The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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