I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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