I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
