I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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