I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
