I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
