it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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