oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
