Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
