textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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