Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize