Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My vagina is officially offended.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
