After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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