you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
