Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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