Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize