I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
