i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
