I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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