Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
