someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
