I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
