nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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