Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found the puke drawer
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
