new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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