i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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