I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
