I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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