Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
