i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
