there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
