are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize