She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
