I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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