woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
