It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
