I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
