i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it because I queefed?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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