how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
