there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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