i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you traded sex for a burrito?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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