I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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