This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
