Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
