So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just cropdusted the office
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
