Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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