Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
