Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
