I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
