I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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