I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's blow job season.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
