I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
