Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
