just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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