And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
