Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
