I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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