Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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