I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Damn victory sex feels great
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
