Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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