So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
