dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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