Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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