My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
