I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
